How much support is enough?
New parents often don’t feel like they are enough.
One of our dad clients said recently, “The BEST ratio with a newborn is 3 adults to one baby.” What a crazy idea—who thinks they need 3 adults just to care for one tiny human? But his point was that this grouping mimics the concept that his ancestors provided for with a larger group (usually made up of women surrounding a new mom) but that is now generally done by just a mom and her partner. A partner that is stretched super thin caring for a new mom, a new baby, a home, yard and often pets as well. And this just isn’t enough to thrive.
For a baby, one person is enough. The research is clear that infants need a primary bond, so no question that solo parents are meeting that bonding need alone. The baby’s need isn’t the problem. It is the care for the mother that is left out in the single parenting world, not to mention the basic needs of keeping the house running along with food and chores and necessities (like naps and showers) that often just get skipped.
Same with a couple who want to share in the parenting. Baby gets their needs met beautifully; always a loving bond surrounding them with nurturing and attentive care. But the couple is often like ships passing in the night; trading shifts to get some sleep, attend to chores, and try to stay loving and connected when they are sleep deprived and recovering from pregnancy and birth challenges. And they often feel like bad pet parents in the process. We have heard so many moms crying on our night shifts from feeling guilty that they are letting down their pets, dropping the ball on so many aspects to their lives and homes, and feeling disconnected from their mates. A 3rd adult can be the key to making the difference, and that is what our new dad was reflecting.
What he shared was that when their doula was there, they could take their stress level down and just focus on the baby and each other. Their doula would attend to the other things that didn’t require them, but felt pressing. Things like dishes and laundry and stocking up the diaper station. Things like making sure the food that was delivered was eaten, and there was time for each parent to take a shower, step outside, or sip their coffee before it got cold. Their doula would manage the details—or the baby—in between the many transitions of the day or night.
A doula isn’t required in the 3 person scenario and a reasonable facsimile in a friend or family member who can focus all the attention on the new family is a much more affordable option. Coming in rested, calm, and ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work are attributes that endear the new parent to whomever is helping. After serving 3000 families, we can tell you that being gentle and supportive makes ALL the difference. A doula is the professional version of this, but if family and friends bring this kind of energy, we find similar outcomes.
How to find that 3rd person? Take some inventory of the loving folks around you to start. Who wants to help, vs. who wants to visit and see the baby? What do the helpers want to do? What do you see as your most important focus? These things will change a bit from your pregnancy expectations to your postpartum needs, but it can be helpful to discuss things before the baby arrives, when you have time to prepare those around you and process your thoughts on what might be most important to you. Most folks won’t want to come at 3 am, but you can ask!
If baby is already here and you are seeing the overwhelming tasks ahead of you for several weeks without that 3rd person (or persons), we recommend 2 things; first, wave your white flag and second, consider hiring a professional doula. Asking people for help with no shame and admitting that this is harder than you expected gets results. Almost everyone feels this way, so let go of the idea that you can do this alone and allow the people who love you to serve you for a bit. You won’t need it forever, but for recovery, sleep loss, and until your body feels strong again, this help is invaluable. When your circle hears your need, they often come running! We tell new parents not to sugar coat the truth and just tell people that they are struggling. The village responds. They just don’t know what is happening behind the closed doors, and new parents have such a desire to do everything themselves that this help doesn’t always match up. Hold up your white flag and ask.
If you don’t have this help available, consider hiring a professional doula. A daytime doula can create a buffer for parents who need someone to soothe the baby while parents sleep, shower, eat, pump, or fit in a little personal time. A doula can fill in the gaps and answer questions about sleep, breastfeeding or pumping, or how to soothe a fussy baby. Doulas create gentle rhythms that allow families to map out their approach to parenting and recovery. An overnight doula can focus on getting everyone the most sleep possible, even when a new baby needs to eat every couple hours. Overnight doulas can also run laundry to have it all folded in the morning, put together snacks for your feeding stations, or bring in your morning coffee to start your day. The key is that doulas are there only for the parents and baby, to nurture them back to strength, allow for connection with each other, and to create a nest of comfort around them. The focus of support is 100% on the family, with no judgement or baggage included.
Who else can be your doula? Grandparents can make amazing doulas, and have been part of birth recovery for centuries. Friends and other family members are often ready to help and have a strong desire to see the new parents thrive. But it is a lot to ask new dads to be everything, while they are often sleep deprived and have a thousand new responsibilities. Find yourself a 3rd person to support everyone, and know that doulas are there if needed!