Postpartum Support—from a Grandparent Perspective
I had a chance recently to answer some questions from another grandparent educator over at More than Grand to use for one of their blogs. They asked me really thoughtful questions about postpartum support from a grandparent perspective and I wanted to share them here too!
What emotional changes might new parents experience that grandparents should be aware of?
The biggest hormone crash in life occurs right after the birth of the placenta, and those hugely elevated pregnancy hormones hit their lowest point on day 3 postpartum most often. This means a lot of wonky feelings that can’t be explained, especially in the first 1-2 weeks. Erratic behavior can cause grandparents to feel like new parents are ‘cranky’ as it is a massive shift, and emotions often vacillate. We find during these hormone waves new moms need sleep, food, gentleness, and comfort. Being sensitive to the needs of a new mom, and also to the sleep loss for both parents, really can help ease the emotional process of becoming a lifelong caregiver of something so small and precious. Tears are common, and often indicate joy as well as overwhelm. Sometimes the reality of newborn life can be more taxing than expected, and while parents might complain, it doesn’t reflect a lack of love for their babies.
What are the most common physical challenges new mothers face in the first few weeks after birth?
Depending on the method of delivery and complications of birth, the first 2+ weeks are time of limited mobility, especially with a cesarean birth. Moms with surgical births can’t climb stairs, pick up their toddlers, or do any twisting or lifting beyond the weight of the baby, often for the first month or two. This is really limiting for moms who are used to doing physical chores, exercise, and who anticipated doing a large portion of baby care. Pain and soreness are the most common things I hear in the early days, right after breastfeeding challenges and sleep deprivation. With babies sleeping more safely on their backs we also see more waking at night than previously when babies used to sleep on their tummies, creating more challenges for parents in adjusting.
How can grandparents support a parent who is struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety?
This is a complicated situation, and requires a lot of players to create a plan that works for the family in need. I recommend that grandparents connect not just to their child, but the spouse or co-parent to see what the whole plan looks like with social support, medication, therapy, small group or counseling support, and practical care. We know sleep and good nutrition make a huge difference in mental health—how can grandparents add to this? Providing food is simpler than sleep, however offering sleep support (like asking when they would like to nap or have grandparents take part of a night shift) can work wonders. They also need to not be afraid to ask about mental health. It isn’t a taboo topic now, and parents who have a chance to verbalize their feelings and assess their mental health do better and recover faster than trying not to talk about it. This is a big change from when grandparents were raising kids, so they need to know it is encouraged to reach out, offer practical and emotional care, and keep reaching out and trying new things if what they are offering isn’t working.
What's your advice for grandparents who want to bond with their new grandchild while respecting the parents' need for bonding time?
Babies are precious, and I have made a career out of loving them, so I get it! However a grandchild is not your baby. Your baby is all grown up, and you had the snuggles and memories when they were tiny. As nice as it is to get to hold the baby, most parents want to hold their own baby, and don’t want to share (maybe quite a bit less than generations before). If you can help the parents, you might get more bonding time with baby, but you also might not and you’ll likely deal with a bit of disappointment. If you really want to connect to your grandbaby, I recommend showing up at 3 or 4 am, or coming in the 2nd month when babies naturally are more awake and fussier, especially in the late afternoon or early evening. While this requires some sacrifice on your part, it can truly be a godsend to the tired new parents and there’s usually a lot of more sharing at those time. The science of baby bonding shows us that they need to bond first to the parents, and so our role as grandparents takes a backseat, so we are now the supporting cast. There is a lot of time to bond with grandchildren, but if holding babies is a goal, you need to show up when a parent is ready for a break, not offer a break in hopes that they will share.
How can grandparents be advocates for postpartum parents who might be hesitant to ask for the help they need?
I recommend grandparents make a menu of support options and offer it to the new parents. I offer some free worksheets on my www.grandparentdoula.com site for communication, as well as the free workbook that parents and grandparents can work on together to ease communication. I find that worksheets can be a neutral way for parents and grandparents to find common ground, and to begin those hard conversations that many families prefer to avoid.
What are some signs that new parents might need more professional support that grandparents should watch for?
I always encourage grandparents to trust their instincts if something is feeling off or wrong. They might not know their child as well now that they are grown, but they have years of experience with them and often have a gut feeling they can trust.
I look for a couple things generally: If parents aren’t sleeping when they can (when the baby is accommodating) or especially if they are sleepless for nights on end, this is a mental health crisis--they need to get help to them quickly. I also watch for desire for food; are they eating when food is available? Are they anxious ALL the time? Are they having trouble connecting to their baby or other kiddos? There are many signs, and it varies from parent to parent, and I encourage them to connect with the partner/co-parent to see how they can be a part of the recovery process. The good news is that postpartum depression or anxiety is treatable, it doesn’t usually last beyond the first year, and social support can make a giant difference in the speed of recovery.
How can grandparents prepare themselves emotionally for this transition time that can sometimes be challenging?
I love this question! It can be so different preparing to be a grandparent vs. the prep we did as new parents ourselves. We won’t be the main players in this game, so I think the preparation comes in about our own journey, our own expectations, and getting support for our own perspective. A lot of us didn’t process our births, our early postpartum recovery, or the support system we had or didn’t have. This all comes flooding back when a new baby arrives! I think having a trusted place to share is important. New parents are not a good place for your stories and especially not for venting. Grandparents need to have a place they can go to share their own experience, their stories and feelings that come up when they meet their new grandbaby, and especially if they have complaints about how things are going with their grown kids. This might be their spouse or a friend, but I am also a fan of professional help from a counselor or a small group. There is so much value in sharing and being heard, and it helps us to remember that our job is to love our kids first so they can love their kids, and then the joy will follow of getting to be with our grandkids too.
Taking a class is a great step to begin! I have a class that helps grandparents understand postpartum recovery, newborn research updates, early lactation information, and building a postpartum menu of support. It has been a joy to teach in person and online, and I have loved hearing from grandparents about the sweet memories they have made with their kids and grandbabies after taking it and making a plan to support them. That is the heart of what I do!