How can grandparents support the new parent?

Has our understanding of postpartum recovery changed over the past generation?

I believe we have lost postpartum recovery wisdom, at least in western culture. Many cultures have retained their postpartum healing traditions, but as a country we have ignored them for generations. Consequently, we have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other postpartum mental health issues and this is concerning. We also have very little postpartum protection in place. As breastfeeding rates in our country have increased significantly over the past 2-3 generations (up from 22% in the 1970’s to 83%) we still have very short maternity leave policies, and parents are having to navigate going back to work with, especially a lack of federal paid parental leave that can help parents take the time to bond with their babies while not worrying about the financial losses.

We also have gained tremendous understanding in the science of recovery, mental health, and social support. What might have happened automatically generations ago (like families coming together to care for a new mother and baby) now must be intentionally put into place with effort, planning, and coordination between families that are often separated by distance. We also have a greater understanding of pelvic floor rehab, as well as diatastis recti (abdominal separation that doesn’t resolve on it’s own) and in general recognition of birth trauma that wasn’t available previously to our mothers.

What are the most helpful things a grandparent can do to support postpartum parents?

This varies from family to family, but I find 4 categories usually hit the mark with the highest reviews from new parents:

1. Food—Offer to pick up their favorite take out meals, make their comfort meals from childhood, deliver or serve food to them when you visit, and make sure food is easily available by filling snack trays or bowls.

2. Pet care—Their fur babies are often used to a lot of attention, and when a new baby arrives they want to lavish their attention on baby, leaving them feeling guilty about their pets. Offer to walk the dog, scoop the litter, give pets love or even keep them at your house for a few days.

3. Chores—They have waited a long time to hold their baby! They don’t want others holding them as much as they want others doing some of the physical tasks that are needed to keep the house running; dishes, laundry, chores, childcare for older kiddos, etc.

4. Emotional support—While new parents won’t often ask for this, more than ever they  need to hear from their parents that they are doing this intense task really beautifully. Parents need to know their parents have their back, trust their decisions (even when their approaches are new or different) and are there to support them, even if they don’t fully understand their parenting approach.

What well-intentioned actions from grandparents might actually create more stress for new parents?

I know the heart of the grandparents is to bring good things to their kids. However I have seen the 2 main offenders being overbuying gifts or visiting too often (without being helpful). When grandparents were young, being gifted things was really meaningful, as belongings had a different significance when they weren’t being delivered every other day via Amazon. But with new parents, items are readily available so they aren’t as helpful or meaningful, and they create clutter that can stress out new parents.

Having too many visitors, especially too soon after birth, is another common complaint I hear about grandparents. While families want to be part of the new little life, many don’t get the memo about the hormone crash, milk onset, sore pelvic floor, and potential birth trauma and how all that shakes down postpartum. This leaves them not treating the new mom like the queen she is, having just made a whole human (or two!) and needing the special care that is built into other cultures in the first month or two. Moms don’t want to ask for help, so grandparents often just end up doing what they think is helpful, even if that isn’t really want parents want.

What boundaries should grandparents be especially mindful of during the postpartum period?

The most common things I am hearing about are visiting hours, not kissing the baby, getting all their vaccinations to limit exposure to the baby, strict guidelines about handwashing, and not sharing their opinions about baby care. Each family will come up with their own boundaries, so I really encourage grandparents to ask about what the rules will be, what parents are expecting, and how they can fit into the hopes for the postpartum time. I wrote a workbook just for this, so parents and grandparents can communicate better without having conflict, and while making great memories. It is free, and can be accessed here.