Can I wait and see if we need a doula?
If you are having a baby and don’t know whether to set up support or wing it alone, I have some recommendations that have served families (both clients and students from classes) well in the past. While I think everyone needs support, not everyone needs a doula. Running a doula agency might bias me, but I have been in the postpartum support space for 30 years, and I have seen multiple approaches that work both with and without a doula. As a new mom myself I didn’t have a doula, and I learned a lot in the process. Here is when to wait and when to book.
Usually clients who are having their first baby ask me about this, as families welcoming a new baby already know what they need and sign up for support early, some as soon as they dip their stick so they don’t miss the window of hiring an overnight doula. Those families already have a good frame of reference for what postpartum is like for them, and what they most want from their care after baby comes. They know who they can count on, and who will disappoint them. So the mystery is only in how much they want to cover in the budget, and finding the perfect doula.
For the first time family, there are so many elements that go into the decision, I don’t blame pregnant parents for being overwhelmed and asking if they can just wait and see. Many of them have heard some of the horror stories of sleep deprived parents, but they think things will be different for them. Most pregnant folks don’t dream up a baby who keeps them up all night, requires endless pacing or bouncing and struggles with breastfeeding. No one wants to think that will be their life, and often we go into parenting with this buoyed hope that we will do it better than the hard stories we hear from others. They often believe that other parents just didn’t have all the tools but that they will be able to manage. And sometimes they are right.
when do you not need a doula?
Sometimes parents get a really easy going baby. A baby who is flexible to sleep wherever and doesn’t require endless hall walking to soothe. Sometimes they get an easy feeder who gains weight quickly, has no issues with latch, and is already gaining a double chin by week 2. Sometimes they get an average baby, but their family and village step up quickly, taking on the periphery of chores so they can focus on their baby, with small baby breaks so they can get sleep easily. Sometimes they have built an intentional circle of people around them to bring food, walk their pets, care for their home and yard, and tell them they are doing amazing work with this baby.
These are the families that I don’t recommend get support set up ahead of time. Because they already have so many well informed helpers and have such a smooth situation with their baby that they will be good without the additional help of a doula. These families are real, but they don’t make up the average experience.
when it isn’t as easy as you thought it might be
Most of our client families have a bit of support, a lot going well with their baby, and overall a good sense of what is needed to do, but there are a few things that just aren’t coming easily. For some it is breastfeeding or pumping struggles that seem to take 90% of their day and night, and they just can’t seem to find any time outside of this heroic pursuit to eat or sleep or shower. For some their baby is growing like a tree, but won’t lay down on their back to sleep, or won’t be there for long. For others, everything is fine with the baby, but the broken sleep and anxiety of new parenthood is wreaking havoc on their mental health and their relationship is feeling the loss.
These are the families that I wish I could predict so I could steer them in the right direction about setting up support. But lacking the insight to see the future, I can predict a couple things. First, without support, most families will LOVE their baby, but might not enjoy the journey. Newborns are confusing, create a million questions, and new parents doubt themselves daily. They want to be everything for their baby, but they often can’t settle in the minds what the best is. They are overloaded with information, but making decisions is hard, and harder without sleep to reset their brain. I have many new parents who say they can’t possibly love the baby more, but they would love to fast forward this experience in life and move onto the next part. This is where support can really change their outlook.
So which will you be? While we can’t predict how your baby will respond in the early weeks, you can take inventory of your helpers and specific support before baby comes to see if you are likely to need more. Here are some areas we see families not getting enough help, and what they tell us when they reach out:
Overnight care; our biggest request, because even those that love you the most aren’t available to help at 3 am—and many new parents know what they do with little or broken sleep based on past experiences
Lactation support; if you have breastfeeders or pumpers in your family, you are far more likely to succeed at this new learning curve, but if your support team has less experience with lactation, this is where a doula can shine
Nutrition; while often overlooked, postpartum nutrition often falters if you don’t have people cooking specifically for you, especially with a focus on nutrient dense foods that aid in recovery and milk production
Chores, organizing, home management; if your helpers are focused on keeping things clean and tidy, running laundry, emptying your dishwasher, and keeping everything stocked and organized, you need a doula less
Emotional support; sometimes the helpers we have in our lives are better at tasks, but having a non-judgemental listener who understands the various emotions of postpartum recovery can go a long way towards mental health
Baby soothing and problem solving; we don’t know how your baby will be, but we can assess your experience level with newborns and the skills available from the helpers in your life
time to inventory the helpers
So take some inventory. Ask the helpers in your life what they are most open to offering and see what boxes are left unchecked. Lots of boxes unfilled? Get a doula set up, even if it is only a tiny package that you book in advance so you know you have a safety net. You can often add more later and you will have done the work of finding someone when you had the time to do your research. If your boxes are loaded with folks who want to help, hold off. You have the ingredients needed for a successful postpartum and probably won’t need a doula.
what happens if I need to book last minute?
It is harder the longer you wait. Sometimes the doulas are booked. Sometimes you have options but they aren’t consistent, so you get a lot of different people in your world when you would prefer to have 1 or 2. Sometimes you get a great person but their availability doesn’t line up (like a recent family told us when their doula got sick the first week they brought their twins home, and they didn’t have a backup so just didn’t sleep that week). Sometimes you hit a perfect window of availability and you find the ideal person who has your window of exact timing open. Doulas will always try to fit you in. It is in their nature to be supportive. But booking in advance can guarantee you care when you need it most. If funds are tight, you can wait and see. Perhaps you will be the one that gets the easy baby and perfect recovery that we all would love. It really can happen! We just don’t have any control over those bits, so for the planners, this can be the tricky part.