“The optimal ratio of adults to a new baby is 3 to 1.” —New dad of a 3 week old
Why would a 3rd adult be needed with a newborn? When there is an active partner/new dad available who wants to be a part of everything postpartum and new baby?
Sleep.
Babies can be managed with just 2 people, provided they don’t need to sleep much and they have means to farm out other responsibilities (or funds to hire them out). Single parents can certainly manage this as well, however they miss a LOT of sleep doing it all, so we encourage a large circle of support so the solo parent also gets rest and help with many of the other responsibilities.
But with a group of 3, this is where the magic happens.
What do they all do? With 3 adults, the baby feeder/mom (if breastfeeding or pumping, which is the vast majority of our families near Portland, OR) gets time to learn to feed, to be fed herself, to shower and care for herself, and to rest. The other 2 adults also care for baby, but their priority is to care for the new mom, and do the rest of the chores so mom isn’t feeling the need to do everything while learning and managing milk 8+ hours a day. In a family with a partner, they generally share the newborn care needs of diapering, swaddling, soothing and comforting and eventually share in some of the feeding if baby takes a bottle as well. Dressing and bathing baby are often shared activities, especially as both parents learn the ins and outs of this particular tiny human.
One of the biggest issues I see is parents not wanting to miss ANYTHING when baby comes home. So they stay awake, well beyond what their bodies ask for, well beyond what they would advise others to do, and often well beyond their capabilities for managing fragmented sleep.
We also are in a time where the new dad/non-birthing parent is expected to be everything to the new mom. Not just a share in parenting where responsibilities are shared 50/50, but the postpartum care, the meal prep & cleanup, the emotional encouragement, and many of the practical chores around the home.
We are also currently in a world obsessed with the benefits of sleep. We know that healing happens during rest, and this has been a high value after birth, but how does rest happen with a tiny new person who is asking for something every 5 minutes? My best answer is more helpers.
So many of our doula clients struggle to rest, even when they have the chance. Either they have a baby that can’t be put down (not uncommon for tiny ones) or they have a million tasks to do that can’t be set aside, or they are pumping and washing bottles and working on a challenging plan with breastfeeding that can sometimes feel impossible. Many of our parents are high achievers or type A go-getters, and slowing down enough for baby is a huge transition. So rest just can’t or doesn’t happen, and healing goes very slowly or even backwards, sometimes affecting their mental health. This is where another adult can make a big difference.
When families have outside support with extended family or chosen family, moms often have more time to rest but sometimes they can’t shut off their brain when others are over. So they don’t catch up on sleep even when the opportunity presents itself, as they are building trust with other caregivers for baby, or feeling hyperviligant about hearing baby’s sounds or the baby’s schedule needs.
Here are some ways that other adults, either family, friends or professionals, can help bring more rest to new parents:
Sunrise shift
Do you have someone that will arrive at 5 or 6 am, when the night didn’t leave you with the rest you were hoping for, but another dawn is coming and you are already exhausted. Sometimes this shift just means that someone else gets to snuggle your baby during their grunty, squirmy, gassy morning phase other than you trying to sleep through all their noises. Sometimes this can be someone who starts the day by making you breakfast, starting some laundry, or emptying the dishwasher and clearing the counters. Or it can be someone who tag teams with you while you take a shower, feed baby, break to blow dry your hair, feed baby, then eat some prepped food before your helper scoots off. Either way, you are off duty for a portion of the morning, and rest, or you have someone helping you with chores so the day offers more opportunity for rest. And bonus points if your partner gets a long stretch of sleep during this time, or some time off to exercise, walk the dog, or run errands so they can be more effective the rest of the day when you really need them.
Scheduled Naptime shifts for parents
Who can come to you on a specific day and a specific time to help you nap? While your baby may not nap consistently for weeks or months, that doesn’t mean you can’t schedule your own naps! If you have a grandparent or MIL who wants to snuggle baby, why not set up a time from 10-2 for them to come and hold baby while you sleep, shower, or pump? While partners might want to be the baby holders most of the time, having a specific time to nap together can add some parental bonding to the experience of feeling like ships passing in the night. Daytime doulas also have the benefit of showing you the best ways to babywear, do the first baths, and comfort baby before and after naptime. One of the things we hear from clients regularly is how much they learn just by watching experience baby handlers with their baby. Humans learn best by example and then an opportunity to learn hands on. Daytime support can really make a difference in confidence as well as sleep, but the naps alone are worth it.
Sunset shift/happy hour support
While we might think HAPPY HOUR, evenings are not a baby’s happiest time. They are often more fussy, need to cluster feed, be walked or bounced, and rarely enjoy lying on their back alone. So dinner might be pushed back, making everyone tired and hungry and sometimes short tempered. If you have an evening helper, they can often take the burden of the chores off you, so that when baby finally will lay down, you can rest without having to do everything that got neglected in the evening. Don’t think that an early nap doesn’t still qualify you for a full night of (fragmented) sleep too. Research shows that even a power nap of 15-30 min make a big difference in your overall sleep bank. This might seem like an odd time to nap, but it’s worth trying.
Overnight support
While you might not have relatives waiting to arrive at 3 am to support you, overnight support makes the biggest difference in overall rest, but it is the hardest one to secure! If you have besties or loved ones who will take over from 12-6, you have a gold mine of rest time to soak up. Overnight doulas often do this for 8-9 hours at a time, but they book up fast and don’t run cheap. It is hard to beat having someone support you at night when baby seems the loudest, squirmiest, and most disruptive (and sometimes a stark contrast to their daytime sleep!). Even just having a family member to take a 3-4 hour stint at night to have a shared snuggle space can increase your sleep and overall peace in the early weeks and months.
Whatever support you set up, make sure to honor your body’s needs to rest after bringing a new baby home. If you can find a way to get 3 adults to 1 baby for the first few weeks or so, you might be able to bank a few more hours that can make a difference in your physical and mental recovery.